Has life dealt you a pretty crappy hand? Does it seem like all you ever do is wallow in your own self pitty? Do you eat to make yourself feel better? Here's an idea... just kill yourself already. No one cares that you can't get laid, or you're having troubles in school, or with your sweetie. Shut up. You're alone in the world.

Just the other day I was out in the backyard punting a kitten when I heard my neighbor on her back deck crying like a little girl. Me being the sympathetic guy I am, went over and slammed my fist in the back of her head. Then I asked what's wrong. She told me that her husband just left her... for another MAN. Now that's pretty depressing. Here's some other things you might as well end your life for...

1. You just got out of a long term relationship. Yeah, you might as well pull the trigger, cause you know you'll never find anyone else in the whole entire world that will want to sleep with you. Click click...

2. A nasty rumor just got spread around work and/or school about you. It's horrible, the person who started it made you out to be a nasty person. Oh no. That's just so terrible! So instead of just taking your life, you walk in to work/school with a high powered military rifle and pick off every one of those losers that said that about you, because you just shouldn't talk about anyone like that. Then you pull the trigger on yourself because you're just a self loathing ass monkey too.

3. The Cubs don't win the World Series this year. Because we all know that baseball is the most important thing in everyone's life.

4. You don't make the cheerleading squad. Cheerleaders are God's way of telling us he hates us, so of course you should be depressed if you don't make the team. Because cheerleading is almost as important to everyone as baseball.

5. Your dad dies. Suck it up, you've still got a mom, loser.

And hey, like Ryan List says...