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Making Sex Better

Sex is boring as hell. You lay there while I insert my rod in you. Real fun girl. How bout we spice things up? Guys, when you're comfortable with your lady, try some of these new positions.

Alabama Crab Dangle - Get in the push-up position between two solid objects elevated above the ground, and have your partner attach herself to your underside. Start doing wild push-ups and tell her to hold on tight. WARNING: Do not attempt with fat chicks.

The Rodeo - Simple. Mount doggy, and grab the lady friend's nipples and whisper your ex girlfriend's name in her ear. Hold on tight for 8 seconds.

The Hairy Gopher - During foreplay, slip some lettuce in your partner's vaginal region, then let your pet gopher loose. Watch, wait, and enjoy the hilarity that ensues. That'll teach her to sleep with some guy while you're laid up in a hospital bed. Whores, who needs 'em? Really? I know I don't, how bout you?

The Tig Clark Special - This can start out in any position you'd like, but missionary is suggested for ample results. During the female's "climax," start wailing on her face with your fists in a wild fashion, yelling obscenities and thrusting your knees in to her ass. After about 2 minutes of this, stop, put your clothes back on, and go home. If the female is angered and tries coming after you, just tell her, "what? I didn't know I couldn't do that," and blame it on turrets.

You can thank me later for making your life better than it already was.