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Women Want Bling

I've been buying presents for women for many years now. In years past I've failed with such gifts as...

A Crack Pipe

Probably would have gone well with at least one ex-girlfriend I can think of. I also swung and missed with this timeless classic...

A Punch in the Face

I probably should have gone ahead and used the punch in the face on the same ex that would have loved the crack pipe. One more gift idea...

The Clap

Believe me, in this case it's better to give that receive.

These impractical gift ideas won't do for any of your everyday vaginal units, so I've done my homework and asked around to find out exactly what a woman would love to get for Christmas. Here's the GotBuckey.com Top 5 Gifts for women this Christmas.

5. Perfume - Great idea guys. Nothing says I love you like some perfume. Or does nothing say "you stink like shit" like a bottle of perfume? For years guys who have no clue what the hell to get for a woman have bought perfume. The mistake: we usually buy the cheap stuff they have at the end of the checkout lane at the local Super Wal-Mart. Screw that, pass on this one guys.

4. A Collection of Trendy CD's - Because what she listens to sucks ass. Buy her something you'll want to listen to with her. That way next time she pops in her Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits CD, you can say, "HEY! Do you not love me? What time hell? Why aren't we listening to the sexy 'Bone Thugs n' Harmony Does Christmas' CD I bought you last December? You bitch." Now that I think of it, screw the trendy CD idea too. That's just stupid.

3. Flowers - Because damn, flowers aren't used enough all year long. While you're at it, be even more original and toss in a box of chocolates. You'll look so fly on Christmas morning when you give her two objects that'll last less than a week. Unless you have a fat girl. Then the chocolates will be gone by lunch, and probably the flowers too, if she's hungry enough. Great idea. Not. Don't use this or I'll find you and beat you myself.

2. Vintage Style Brooch - What the hell is this? Seriously, I have no idea. Screw that, if you can't even take a ballpark guess on what the hell this is, don't buy it for her. That's like a woman buying a car. Should never happen.

1. Gift Certificate - Beautiful. You've found the perfect gift. It's better than money, because it looks like you actually had to take the effort to go to the mall and purchase this little piece of paper. But what's even better is that the joke's on her. You sat at work and printed it off from a shady site that you paid 2 bucks to get a $100 gift certificate. That kicks her gifts asses.

But you and I both know she won't be happy with just a a lousy pirated gift certificate. So to help out on this, I asked GotBuckey.com Wall of Fame Member Tig Clark to help with something else you could put under the tree for her. Personally, I don't know why I didn't think of this myself...

That'll Shut Her Up...