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Letters To God

It's Christmas time again. That time of the year when the big man upstairs takes a back seat to Jesus and Santa Claus. Everyone's thanking Jesus for all that he's done for us, and celebrates his birthday. So God can be a little cranky in December, as you can imagine.

So when a group of children from Lakewood Elementary in Nashville, TN sent letters they wrote to God, no one expected a reply. Especially not one like this...

Dear God,

Please help my mommy. She's come on hard times and we have run out of money. She told me this is National Macaroni Week, and we have to try macaroni sandwiches, macaroni soup, and macaroni pudding. Please help me and my mommy. I love you.

Love, Tommy

Tom,

Listen, your mom is broke because of the thousand she spent on heroin and cocaine last week. You ever wonder why you go to the nicest school in the area but live in a cardboard box? Because your mom's a crack whore. Next time you waste my time with a pathetic letter like this, I will personally make sure your mom's nose bleeds get worse. Hope you like sleeping in the cold this Christmas.

God, out.

Dear God,

I really like Tina, but she said she won't hold my hand until I shave my mullet. What should I do?

Love, Brad

Bradley,

Shave your damn mullet. And while you're at it, stop hitting on Tina. All of those googley eyes you give her on the bus are starting to creep her out. Next time the bus picks her up, her dad will be with her and he'll be pissed. Tina goes home and talks mad shit about you to her dad. According to her, you watch her outside her window at night. I know she's full of shit, but her dad doesn't. I'd watch your back. And by the way, you're 10, play with Lego's or something. You're too young to be a stalker.

God, out.

Dear God,

Would you please bring world peace? No more fighting and yelling, I just want peace forever. Thank you and I will love you forever.

Love, Harriet

Harriet,

Did you know that is the most requested thing ever? I never get a letter saying, "hey God, thanks for kicking ass and helping me live to see another day." Nooo, everyone wants world peace. It's funny, because if one day I start smoking weed or something, and decide that world peace is a grand idea, every person that ever prayed for peace will say, "he listened to me!" Well guess what, if there was world peace, you'd hate life. I do this shit to keep you on your toes. Keep dreaming, sister.

God, out.

Dear God,

My kitten Snowballs died last week after the neighbor mistaken it for a squirrel and shot it... and ate it. I've been so worried about how she is doing in the after-life. Could you please make sure she gets to heaven? Thank you God.

Love, Ann

Ann,

So you want you kitten to make it to heaven, eh? Who said kittens go to heaven? Really they don't, but I made an exception for snowballs. Actually, I've got her on my lap right now. Good Snowballs. Just for you is an attached picture of Snowballs...

Awww, isn't she cute? Also attached is a picture of the woodchipper I have sitting right outside my office...

I believe you're nothing but a selfish little girl. All you can think about is yourself, isn't it? I suppose next I'll get a letter asking that I send you a new kitten, right? Wait, I've got a better one, how about you shut the hell up! Kittens don't go to heaven. And furthermore, this kitten's going straight to hell. "Hey Jesus, crank up the woodchipper!!!" Bye bye, Snowballs. Attached is a picture of what happens when you ask God to send your kitten to heaven...

God, out.