War On Christmas

Today, in a press release, President George W. Bush issued a declaration of war... on the holiday of Christmas. Bush states, "this is a war that we have to win, as a nation that wants to be the most politically correct nation in the entire world. We will not quit until we have defeated the enemy."

The enemy is not happy. Says Kris Kringle, "what the hell is wrong with this asshole? All I do is bring joy and happiness to the world. Why would someone want to wage a war against me?"

The United States military is stretched thin, with troops in Afghanistan and Iraq. So leading the way in this war will be the Salvation Army, the very face of Christmas generosity. Major Harold Grubble exclaimed, "what the fuck? We're not even a real Army. And how do you wage a war on Christmas? That's almost as asinine as waging a war on terror. Hey dumbass, you can't declare war on something inanimate."

Shortly after the 9:30a.m. declaration, CIA operatives scored their first detainee in the war, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Rudolph, or the "Queen of Hearts" (as indicated by the Most Wanted deck of cards), is being held at Guantanamo Bay. The Reindeer is said to be in fair condition after a bout with officials.

In a poll done this morning, 99.6% of people interviewed are against the war. The other 0.4% are assumed to be terrorists. Some citizens are taking matters in to their own hands. Recently released rapist Darryl Koontz (seen left) told reporters, "this ain't gonna happen on my turf. I will personally shit in every red kettle I see, and beat up every kitten that crosses my path, until Bush calls off his dogs." Koontz is believed to be mentally deranged and was not interviewed any further.

Leading the Allies opposing the war on Christmas is political talk show host Bill O'Reilly. "I've got a Hummer, 12 guns and a bag of chew. GO ALLIES!"

The War on Christmas is expected to be funded by Kettle Donations, and Politically Correct Assholes of America.