Santa Claus Revealed

In a startling revelation yesterday, Santa Claus' real identity was revealed to the entire world. DL Casto of Circleville, Ohio stumbled out of a bar and announced to everyone that he in fact is jolly ol' St. Nick.

The story quickly hit the airwaves and within an hour, stations in China were breaking in with the shocking news. Although Casto was intoxicated, everyone believed what he had to say, because in this day and age, people will believe you if you're running out of a plane yelling, "I HAVE A BOMB."

When asked how he became Santa Claus, Casto simply replied, "I've been pimpin' all over the world." And then passed out.

The news puts to rest the rumors that another Circleville resident was Santa Claus. Fat Shit Rick Withers has been accused of being Kris Kringle from time to time. In a statement released by Withers' through his attorney on Thursday, Withers claimed, "I am too Santa Claus! Every year I dress up and go all around the world and give the children presents!" After research, the local police department has records of Withers having complaints filed against him for flashing neighbors while wearing his red bath robe.

If DL Casto really is Santa Claus, he could be charged with six billion counts of breaking and entering for last year alone. Also, district attorney's could charge him with gross imposition for all the children who have sat on his lap.

Surprisingly, Michael Jackson has stated that he will support Casto if he is in fact the Fat Man in the Red Suit. Said Jackson, "he loves children, I love children, why wouldn't it be right that I support him? I write him letters every year." Charges haven't been filed yet.